Identity Confusion & The Church

Author Vera English takes us along on her personal exploration, unearthing treasures of hope and a profound invitation to reconsider our identity in the light of Jesus Christ. Learn more

Book Review:

I found this book to be incredibly enlightening. The author, Vera English, brings a unique perspective as a conservative Christian and a parent of a trans-identifying young adult, which adds an extra layer of credibility to her insights. This topic is especially relevant for today’s churches, making it a timely and necessary read. Vera never argues for or against transgenderism—she makes it clear from the very first chapter that the focus of this book is not to debate sides. Instead, she shares her personal experiences to guide readers in re-examining the gospel in a world increasingly marked by identity confusion.

After reading this book, I walked away not only with a renewed understanding of my own identity as a Christian but also with practical guidance on how to approach relationships with the trans-identifying community and the broader culture in a way that is grounded in the gospel. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking for a thoughtful, compassionate, and gospel-centered approach to this important issue.

—H. Asters (Book Reviewer)

I am grateful for this book. The author speaks honestly from a hard place and this book will benefit any Christian who is struggling with identity confusion or has a loved one who is. Thank you for sharing your story, Vera. -JJ Stevens

Need support?

Christian Support For Parents of Trans-Identifying Children

The Danger Of Bad Advice

When you’re in pain, it’s important to be cautious who you share with, simply because opening up often invites a response. Choosing the right people to confide in can help guard your heart, especially when you’re vulnerable. Sometimes, well-meaning advice can unintentionally add to your distress. For this reason being selective can make a world of difference in your healing. The story of Job offers a powerful reminder of this caution. His friends, despite their closeness, contributed to his suffering with counsel that was ultimately misguided, and in God’s rebuke, we see the inherent danger in seeking advice from those who don’t fully understand or speak with wisdom.

In Job 38:2, God addresses the flawed counsel of Job’s friends: “Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge?” Job, already deep in despair, was further burdened by their words when he most needed understanding. This is a potent reminder that proximity or title—whether a family member, friend, pastor, or therapist—does not guarantee wise counsel. Even trusted individuals can offer advice that, though well-intentioned, may still obscure the truth God intends for you to hear. We all, including professionals, bring our biases and fallibility to the table, which can cloud our judgment, particularly when we’re in emotional turmoil.

The risk is real: even great people, when their hearts are not attuned to God’s guidance, may inadvertently darken the path you are delegated to walk. They may offer comforting words that sound right but lack the depth and truth needed to heal. So, while you may feel an urge to share your pain and seek relief, it’s vital to set boundaries around who you confide in and when. Not everyone who offers confidentiality or has a trusted position automatically qualifies as a wise counselor.

Further, in God’s rebuke of Job’s friends, we see how their counsel offended God’s truth: “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me…” (Job 42:7). Their understanding of God’s will was misaligned, and they misrepresented God’s character. This illustrates that while others may attempt to offer counsel from their own perspective, they, too, can miss the bigger picture—something only God fully sees. Our trials often serve to deepen our trust in God, rather than deliver immediate answers, and ill-guided advice can undermine that trust and impede our growth.

Does this mean we should avoid seeking counsel altogether? Not at all. Counsel can be a gift—valuable and necessary in times of difficulty. However, when considering whom to trust, ensure they meet a few important criteria:

  1. Acknowledge the gravity of their role: A true counselor recognizes the weight of their responsibility before God and the privilege it is to speak into someone’s life during a time of pain.
  2. Prayerful and humble: Seek individuals who will pray and seek God’s wisdom before offering advice. Someone who acknowledges their limitations and says, “I don’t know the answer,” may be more helpful than someone who rushes to offer words without wisdom.
  3. Free from bias: Choose someone who is impartial and free of any critical, judgmental, or superior attitudes. They should offer counsel without letting personal biases cloud their judgment.

If you’re already receiving counsel and find that these principles are not being met, it may be time to seek new guidance. Protect your heart, and guard it against well-intended but ultimately harmful advice. Trust in God’s wisdom, and seek counsel from those who will help you draw nearer to Him.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us for your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Bullies And God

“Bullies in the Bible”

The Bible offers much insight into the topic of bullying, with one of the most well-known passages being the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. We often marvel at the young boy, David, who faced off against a literal giant—Goliath, the bully. Goliath was said to be over nine feet tall, nearly the height of a typical room’s floor-to-ceiling height.

Reflecting on this story, we notice some compelling parallels to the dynamics of bullying. But first, it’s important to recognize that “bullying” is not a modern phenomenon—it’s been around for as long as human history. In fact, many scholars interpret this passage as a metaphor for the ultimate bully, Satan, who opposes Jesus, the Good Shepherd of our Souls.

In verse 1, we see the formation of a bullying environment:

“Now the Philistines gathered their forces for war and assembled…” (v.1)

The word “gathered” suggests building numbers, creating a fertile environment for bullying. Bullies often form large groups of followers—gatherings that can grow to terrifying proportions. This sense of growing momentum is achieved by bullies cultivating loyalty and using intimidation as a tool for control.

Have you ever experienced the eerie silence around a person who is being bullied? That silence is often a tactic used by bullies to sow fear and maintain control. The followers of the bully may not be loyal to the agenda but are silenced out of fear of retribution. Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous words, “There comes a time when silence is betrayal,” ring especially true here. For the person being bullied, silence can feel like betrayal. And make no mistake—this silence is strategically cultivated by the bully to isolate their target.

In verse 4, we gain further insight into Goliath’s role as the bully:

“A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp.” (v.4)

Often, we think of the story as solely about David and Goliath, but it’s actually part of a much larger battle between the Israelites and the Philistines. Goliath was just the tool, the means by which the Philistines sought to assert their dominance. In reality, the Philistines are the true antagonists. They believed they were the victims, using that narrative to justify their aggression. This is another common tactic of bullies—they often play the victim in order to solicit sympathy and further their cause. By portraying themselves as wronged, they deflect attention from their harmful behavior.

Verse 5 gives us a closer look at Goliath, the bully:

“He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels.”(v.5)

Five thousand shekels equates to about 78 pounds—this bully was strong, well-armed, and imposing. His size alone made him appear superior. Bullies often thrive on perceived superiority, using their physical or social stature as a weapon to instill fear.

Verse 8 reveals Goliath’s verbal bullying:

“Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel.” (v.8)

Discrediting the victim is another powerful tactic that bullies use. The bully’s words can confuse and disorient their target, leading them to question their own worth and abilities. This erodes confidence and hope, which is exactly what happened to the Israelites. They were paralyzed with fear.

In verse 11, we see the effects of bullying:

“The Israelites were dismayed and terrified.” (v.11)

This moment captures the essence of how bullying can make its victims doubt themselves. It’s a technique known as gaslighting, where the bully’s tactics cause the victim to question their own reality. At this point, it felt as if the Israelites were doomed, and indeed, they were on the brink of despair.

When young David arrived on the scene, his own brother—part of the Israelite army—mocked him. This is another tragic facet of bullying: the breakdown of support systems. Sometimes, those closest to the victim may join in or turn away, further isolating the one being bullied.

But David, who had spent much time in the fields as a shepherd, meditating on God, brought a different perspective. His faith in something bigger than the bully—his trust in God Himself—changed the narrative. Sometimes, when we’re caught in the whirlwind of a bullying situation, it’s difficult to see beyond our emotions. Yet, this broader perspective is exactly what we need in moments of crisis.

When King Saul heard of David’s hope and boldness, he quickly allowed David to face Goliath in battle. The words David spoke in verse 45 turned the tide:

“I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty.” (v.45)

David’s confidence was rooted in his complete trust in the Lord. He knew that, as God’s servant, he had nothing to fear. For Goliath to come against David was to come against God’s people, and in that, David found strength. He wasn’t relying on his own abilities, but on God’s provision and power. Remarkably, David had already been prepared for this moment by his experiences defending his sheep from wild animals. His humble beginnings as a shepherd had trained him to face giants—both literal and metaphorical. Armed with only a sling and a stone, David brought down the bully and secured victory.

I pray that if you find yourself in a bullying situation, you, too, will draw on God’s provision and courage to face your Goliath.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Grab your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

For more information on the characteristics of a bully, visit:

Bullies Demand Loyalty

Bullies Discredit

Bullies Play The Victim

Bullies Gaslight

Bullies Crave Superiority

X Marks The Bully

Bullies Phantom Influence

Bully Proofing

Bullies Phantom Influence

“The Phantom Influence of Bullies”

by Paula Masters

Lingering allegiance to a bully is more common than we realize, even after their primary role in our lives has diminished. Much like phantom pain felt from a missing limb, the trauma caused by a bully can echo into our future, long after the bully has gone.

Bullying creates deep, lasting impressions on the brain, and this phantom loyalty can persist far beyond its expiration date. We may still feel bound by unspoken or spoken pledges of loyalty. Our reflexive tendency to fall in line—either to avoid retaliation or to seek approval—often goes unnoticed. In doing so, we unknowingly carry a bully’s disrespect, whether toward ourselves or others, and we continue to be swept along by old loyalties.

This dynamic is especially evident in adult children who feel an intense sense of loyalty to a domineering parent. Even after that parent is no longer present, the adult child may feel obligated to adhere to their parent’s values or expectations. Pursuing an independent path can stir guilt and internal conflict, creating resistance to change.

On the flip side, this same dynamic can happen in reverse, where an adult child may bully their parent, using manipulation, guilt, or emotional pressure to control them. In these cases, the parent may feel bound by a sense of duty or misplaced loyalty, even when the adult child’s behavior is harmful. The parent can become stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and guilt, unsure of how to assert their own needs or boundaries.

Naturally, this leaves us confused and unsure of how to move forward. To free ourselves, we must recognize that it’s perfectly okay to think and act differently.

Here are some steps to help break free from the phantom influence:

  1. Identify how you want to behave differently than the person who has had a controlling influence in your life.
  2. Own the mistakes that were inspired by the bully’s behavior.
  3. Give yourself permission to say “no”—if you once complied under pressure, it’s okay to change your mind.
  4. Find a trustworthy accountability partner who supports your growth.
  5. Accept that guilt is a natural part of breaking free. Misplaced loyalty is often driven by guilt, which is why it can hold such a powerful grip on us.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing

Bullies Gaslight

“Bullies and Gaslighting”

Gaslighting is a tactic where an individual or entity manipulates a victim into questioning their own reality in order to gain more power. It is a common technique used by abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders.

When we apply this concept to the behavior of bullies, we see how all the characteristics of bullying work together toward a single ultimate goal—gaslighting. The aim is to craft a “believable” false narrative that turns others against the victim. It is sabotage on every level. Bystanders become numb, their judgment impaired, because they’ve drunk, so to speak, from the Kool-Aid of gaslighting.

The few who bravely stand up for the victim are quickly cut down to size by the gaslighter or their followers. Sadly, gaslighters often have loyal followers, and part of their manipulation is to exploit these supporters. These followers are strategically placed within the bullying scenario to cheer on the bully and pressure anyone who opposes them.

For those of us who recognize that we’re caught in, or witnessing, this kind of bullying, we must decisively put down the cup of Kool-Aid handed to us by the gaslighter and their followers. This is an intentional act of abstinence during manipulation. We must stop drinking from a narrative that’s been twisted beyond recognition. Even the sharpest minds can struggle to differentiate between truth and deliberate distortion. Therefore, the antidote is not always found in seeking out evidence (which may be falsified), but rather in understanding character. It always comes back to character. When in doubt, character is a reliable guide to reality and wisdom.

For example, a victim’s story may seem bleak because it’s been discredited and tainted by the bully—but their character will always tell a different story. In contrast, a bully’s narrative might appear polished and convincing, but their character will always reek of intimidation and threat. Even if the bully’s story seems compelling, aligning yourself with them is a perilous choice. How they treat others is a clear indication of how they will eventually treat you.

Do you know someone who is being bullied? If so, offer them an encouraging wink to show them that you’re not drinking the Kool-Aid served by bullies and gaslighters.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders, which include insufficient and excessive food intake, affect nearly 5% of the global population. Research indicates that over 90% of those affected are between the ages of 15 and 25. The three most common eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder.

Anorexia nervosa is often characterized by an intense fear of gaining weight. Those with the disorder, even at a healthy body weight for their height, feel compelled to become thinner in order to feel a sense of self-worth. This drive is often rooted in the pursuit of weight goals, leading to food refusal. However, anorexia is not just about body image; it is also about control. Statistics suggest that individuals with anorexia may come from situations in which they felt powerless or overwhelmed. In such cases, the disorder can offer a false sense of control. Remarkably, this condition can reveal strength and determination—the ability to set and pursue a goal with relentless focus. However, until these traits are redirected in emotionally and spiritually healthy ways, they can result in severe mental and physical breakdowns.

Bulimia nervosa, like anorexia, is driven by a fear of gaining weight, but it manifests differently. Whereas anorexia is marked by strict control over food intake, bulimia is characterized by a loss of control, resulting in cycles of binge eating followed by purging through vomiting. This cycle of binging and purging can be a secret struggle, as those with bulimia often present themselves as healthy on the outside, concealing their unhealthy habits from others.

Both anorexia and bulimia share similar emotional and psychological roots, often arising from the need to exert control or cope with underlying feelings of powerlessness. The key difference lies in the way they manifest: anorexia involves rigid control, while bulimia is marked by periods of loss of control. Despite their outward differences, both disorders stem from complex emotional and psychological factors, not simply physical appearance.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God, offering unmatched renewal even in the midst of life’s most challenging moments. Blue Skies invites you to embrace the sanctuary of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace, restoration, and profound healing.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Anger

When an individual struggles with anger, those closest to them often feel like they’re walking on eggshells. The unpredictability of when anger will surface, and what might trigger it creates an atmosphere of tension and unease. Even when anger is not present, others tend to tread lightly, handling the individual with extreme caution.

The repercussions of anger are far-reaching. Children who are the target of anger often suffer in silence. Over time, this internalized pain can manifest in destructive behaviors and emotional struggles in adulthood. When a husband is the object of anger, his sense of masculinity may erode, leading him to retreat into secrecy or withdrawal to regain a sense of control. In the presence of his angry wife, he may feel inadequate and unable to lead. For a wife who faces constant anger, she may shrink under the pressure, taking on unnecessary guilt to shield her husband’s volatile nature.

Much of anger’s grip is rooted in established patterns. The habitual response of reacting harshly to offenses creates deep neural pathways that reinforce this behavior. Therefore, managing anger involves breaking these patterns, but this alone is often not enough to fully temper its intensity. Accountability and counseling are key in this process, as is seeking help from a greater source—the Holy Spirit—who empowers us to align our minds and emotions with God’s design.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us for your free copy of Blue Skies.

Mid-Life-Crisis

For women over the age of fifty, sometimes catching the vision for meaning in life does not come easily because we feel drained from transition. All of a sudden we have found ourselves face to face with things like empty nest, divorce, midlife, change or loss of career, aging beauty, death of friends. etc. Projecting possibilities of hope during this time can be difficult if these things catch us by surprise. To top it all off, many times we are not even sure who we are at this stage of life, and an identity crisis sets in. We become discouraged instead of delighted. In fact, we can even feel immobilized by it. So there it sits—the exceptional blooming season of our life—unopened like a large gift package in the corner, and we are perplexed at what to do with it.

We need to know that this time of life does not catch God by surprise. He has foreseen this season and already has it in mind. Psalms 139:13-16 reminds us of this.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Notice the scripture says that all of our days were written long ago—before even one of them came to be—and God already has seen them. We might have thought the prime of our lives was a time now past, like our youth. But God sees our prime as something entirely different. He is interested in the whole picture—the all of our lives. The second half of our lives yields new opportunities that were not available in the first half. In other words, we see our days in terms of what we perceive as our prime, but God sees our days as being unlimited; he sees that we are free to venture beyond our perceived limitations.

For more information, check out:

Suicidal Thoughts

Suicide is the voluntary and intentional act of taking one’s own life. Suicidal thoughts, however, are the contemplations of this act—they are moments when an individual feels unable to continue living and considers the means to carry out an end.

Statistics reveal that suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in the United States, and the number of suicide attempts resulting in hospitalization is three times higher. These alarming figures show that suicidal thoughts are a widespread issue, affecting countless individuals across the nation.

Those contemplating suicide often exhibit certain warning signs. While there may be debate over whether these signals are cries for attention or genuine distress, one thing is clear: any expression of pain and desperation must be taken seriously.

Some individuals may show signs of suicidal tendencies to draw attention, signaling a deep need for help, but not necessarily with the intent to follow through. These individuals may experience thoughts of suicide, but their struggles often stem from feelings of inadequacy or emotional turmoil. This discussion primarily addresses those genuinely wrestling with suicidal thoughts.

If you are someone who is truly struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know that simply reading this message is a sign of hope. It demonstrates that, even in your darkest moments, there is a glimmer of desire to be rescued from this painful place.

For those battling these thoughts, the sense of hopelessness can feel overwhelming. You may feel that your family would be better off without you, that you are an emotional burden, and that nothing in life holds any value. The weight of guilt and shame for not being able to “snap out of it” can intensify these feelings, leading to the belief that ending it all is the only way out. In these moments, it may seem that recovery is impossible, but there is always one source of hope: the possibility of rescue.

The Bible offers a powerful example of rescue in Psalm 18. The psalmist describes a time of deep despair: “The sorrows of death compassed me…” Yet, he recounts how God delivered him from this distress: “He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me.” In times of overwhelming sorrow, the psalmist called out to God, and the Lord responded with a mighty rescue: “In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved…” (Psalm 18:4-19).

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please know that you are not alone. God hears your cries, and rescue is possible. Reach out for help.

If you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone who can offer support. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE). 

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most challenging emotions.Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace and rescue. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us for your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Stuck In Brokenheartedness

The pain of a broken heart following a failed relationship can be intense—it often feels as though the heart itself is physically aching—no wonder it’s commonly described as being “heartsick.”

One of the deepest fears that accompanies heartbreak is the belief that such love will never be experienced again. This fear can drive a desperate emotional attachment, making it difficult to accept that the relationship is truly over, even when little or no interest is reciprocated.

For some, the relationship may continue to live on in their minds, as they repeatedly relive the sweet moments and cling to the initial expressions of mutual affection. If intimacy was involved, the attachment can be even deeper. The thought of their ex-partner sharing similar experiences with someone else intensifies the desire to win back affection, often leading to compromised standards and even obsessive behaviors. In their mind, they justify these actions as acts of true love, feeling trapped in the hope of reconciliation.

If you find yourself in the midst of heartbreak, feeling stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, know that you are not alone. The pain you’re experiencing is real, and it requires both strength and wisdom to navigate through this challenging season.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most callenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us to request your free copy of Blue Skies.