Author: Grand Times

Feeling Second Best

/ Grand Times / 24 Comments

Often, feeling “second best” can be traced back to specific life events. Perhaps you were always the last considered in family dynamics or social gatherings. Maybe you were overlooked for relationships or passed over for a promotion. Whatever the case, consistently coming in second can leave lasting emotional impressions that shape your self-worth.

People process the pain of being bypassed or discounted in different ways. One person may shy away from opportunities altogether, fearing they’ll once again fall short. Another might aggressively pursue success to prove themselves. Yet, the underlying cause in both reactions is the same: the fear of not measuring up.

It’s essential to understand that the “emptiness” you feel in these moments is not a reflection of your true worth. Seeking reassurance through the wrong means only deepens the void. Realizing that someone else’s preference or favoritism does not diminish your value can help you shift your perspective. The truth is, how others perceive you has nothing to do with your intrinsic worth, but often speaks to a flaw in their own judgment and behavior.

Favoritism—whether in relationships, jobs, or social circles—tends to be based on shallow, superficial criteria. A “favorer” may choose others based on surface-level attributes or personal biases, overlooking qualities that truly matter. James 2:9 warns against showing favoritism, calling it a sin. So, when others favor someone else, it often reflects a lack of depth and discernment on their part—not a reflection of your worth.

Consider the story of David, a shepherd boy chosen by God despite being the least likely candidate. When the prophet Samuel went to anoint the next king from among Jesse’s sons, David wasn’t even initially considered. He was the eighth choice. Yet, God’s perspective was entirely different: “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Throughout Scripture, we see that those who were overlooked by the world’s standards were often chosen by God for greatness. Think of Gideon, Joseph, Esther, or even Mary—the mother of Jesus. In God’s eyes, being second best—or even last—is never a hindrance. Rather, it’s often a springboard for extraordinary purposes.

As 1 Corinthians 1:26-29 reminds us: “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.”

In God’s economy, being overlooked or underestimated is not a setback—it’s often the very thing that sets the stage for something far greater than the world can imagine. Your worth is never determined by worldly standards. Instead, trust that God sees your heart and has a unique and significant purpose for you.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us to request your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Understanding Anxiety

/ Grand Times / 24 Comments

Anxiety is a profound and painful uneasiness of the mind, often triggered by a fear of danger or misfortune. It brings with it a sense of overwhelming apprehension, often accompanied by physical symptoms like sweating, tension, and an elevated pulse. At its core, anxiety frequently stems from self-doubt—uncertainty about one’s ability to cope with challenging situations.

For many, anxiety has deep roots in childhood traumas and unresolved fears, lingering in the subconscious even when the details of these experiences are forgotten. Despite not consciously recalling these past events, anxiety can resurface unexpectedly, creating overwhelming feelings of dread in the present.

Those who struggle with anxiety often feel restricted by its grip. For example, an individual experiencing an anxiety attack may feel immobilized, unable to function socially, relationally, or professionally. This can lead to self-imposed limitations in an attempt to avoid the discomfort of anxiety. The constant battle with this emotion can feel like a weary, unbreakable cycle, where even the most hopeful aspirations are overshadowed by the weight of fear.

At the heart of anxiety is a deeply human condition—the frailty of the human spirit. While it may be an uncomfortable realization, those who struggle with anxiety are often acutely aware of their own limitations. But this very awareness offers a unique opportunity for healing. The truth is that our very next breath, our survival, is dependent on God’s provision. It is He who sustains the weak—something we all are, simply by virtue of being human.

A common mistake for those struggling with anxiety is to seek worldly confidence or self-assurance as a solution. However, this path often leads to further disillusionment. In contrast, the presence of anxiety can serve as a hidden blessing—a reminder of our frailty and a call to depend on the greater power of Jesus. It is through acknowledging our weakness that we begin to discover strength through the Holy Spirit. God is pleased to show His strength through the weak, offering His support in ways that are beyond our human understanding.

Scripture teaches us that God often chooses the weak things of the world to accomplish great things. As 1 Corinthians 1:27 states: “God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.” Far from disregarding those who feel timid or anxious, God invites them to be vessels for His purpose and strength.

Anxiety burdens the heart, and it is God’s desire for us to experience freedom from this weight. Through Scripture, He provides the provision and direction needed to find peace in the midst of anxiety. By pressing into God with our vulnerabilities, we will find ourselves equipped to face life’s challenges, not in our own strength, but through His.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred retreat for your mind—a healing refuge designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us to request your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

When We Think We Have Nothing To Offer

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When the Bible discusses the parable of the talents, it’s easy to initially interpret it in terms of “performance.” Our minds often focus on external achievements, equating success with visible outcomes. However, the Bible is not speaking about performance or mere works when it instructs us on how to live or give. Being a good steward of our talents is not about multiplying deeds but about deepening our conscious connection to God. It’s about the choices that flow from that connection, day by day. A perfect God working through imperfect people by grace—without grace, we would lack even the mental and spiritual faculties to fulfill this purpose.

Consider the story of Rahab. From the standpoint of Christian morality, her actions might seem morally compromised. Rahab, a prostitute by trade, certainly doesn’t fit the typical mold of someone called to carry out divine plans. Furthermore, when confronted, she lies and deceives. If we were to evaluate her actions strictly by conventional standards, we might conclude she failed to invest her talents properly in the spiritual realm.

But this is not the lesson of her story. Rahab exemplifies the stewardship of a conscious connection to God. Despite her past and her imperfections, she acted out of faith, driven by God’s grace, which opened her heart to His reality. Rahab didn’t have a deep theological understanding of the Hebrew God—she simply believed. That belief moved her to action, rooted in her conscious connection to the Living God. This is faith: a firm conviction that God is real and true.

It’s remarkable that God chose to use such an imperfect person in the redemption of His people, even rescuing her soul in the process. This is no coincidence; it illustrates how God works. He calls the broken and the overlooked of the world: “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are.” (1 Cor 1:27-29). Acts of faith highlight God’s power, not our own.

Rahab may have turned over a new moral leaf after these events, but those moral changes are not the focus of her story in the Bible. In the Hall of Faith, recorded in Hebrews 11, what’s highlighted is her faith and how God used her, despite her flaws. God did not demand that Rahab clean up her life before He could use her. It was all part of His grace, reaching down and opening her heart. Through grace, He planted seeds in Rahab’s heart that blossomed and multiplied, becoming a crucial part of the redemptive story.

In fact, we are spiritual descendants of this faith work. 

Rahab is listed in the genealogy of Christ, making her one of our spiritual matriarchs. So, the next time you feel unworthy or judged by the standards of the world, remember Rahab. And if we ever find ourselves thinking too highly of our polished Christian persona, we would do well to reflect on Rahab’s story. It’s only when God, through the work of Jesus, reveals His complete love and acceptance to our hearts that our faith is truly activated. In that moment, we become good stewards of the most precious truth, a truth that we can carry with confidence to the spiritual bank.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred refuge for your mind—a healing retreat designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking

Contact us to request your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

X Marks The Bully

/ Grand Times / 1 Comment

X Marks the Bully
In the preceding sections, we’ve explored some often-overlooked traits of bullies: they play the victim, crave superiority, demand loyalty, and work to discredit anyone they see as a threat. In this portion of Bully Awareness, we introduce a powerful mental tool: placing an “X” on bullying behavior—both the traits we’ve already identified and the new ones we continue to observe.

Placing a mental X mark is more than just symbolic. It helps us clearly identify bullying behavior and recognize it as a psychological warning sign. You might be surprised how effective this can be in resisting manipulation. One of the main reasons bullying persists is our human tendency to forget—or even deny—that someone is, in fact, a bully. This is partly due to a psychological dynamic similar to Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm Syndrome is a condition in which hostages develop emotional bonds with their captors—a form of psychological survival. The term originates from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where hostages, after six days of captivity, began sympathizing with and defending their captors. The phenomenon illustrates how abuse of power, fear, and isolation can warp our perception and create emotional dependence—even loyalty—to the source of our suffering.

Although most bullies are not literal kidnappers, many use similar tactics of psychological captivity. Research has shown that elements of Stockholm Syndrome can appear in various environments—workplaces, homes, schools—where control and manipulation are at play.

Here are some key parallels:

  • Perceived Threats: The bully convinces the victim that speaking out or challenging the status quo will lead to isolation or rejection.

  • Small Acts of Kindness: Occasional kindness is strategically used to maintain loyalty and confuse the victim.

  • Isolation from Other Perspectives: Bullies often work to silence outside influences or alternative viewpoints.

  • Perceived Inability to Escape: Victims begin to believe they are stuck and must simply make the best of it.

This is a form of toxic captivity. That’s why the mental X is so valuable—it keeps us focused on reality. The “x” in the word toxic serves as a fitting reminder. Visualizing that X on any bullying behavior helps break the spell of manipulation. It also signals to others that we are aware—and that awareness invites connection.

When one person begins to recognize the bullying for what it is, it encourages others to do the same. This shift from “me” to “we” can dissolve the isolation bullies rely on. Suddenly, conversations can happen. Ideas for change can emerge. Collaboration shines light on the situation and begins to weaken the grip of control. It can even help address that false belief that there is no way out.

You may already be thinking of someone in your life who fits this description. Perhaps it’s someone you care about deeply—a family member, neighbor, fellow church member, or even a public figure. The truth is, bullies don’t always look like villains. But placing that mental X is a courageous first step in protecting ourselves and others.

And for those bullies open to change, kindness and compassion can be powerful tools for redirection. But until that change comes—get your mental pen ready. Draw a bold X over any behavior that holds you or others hostage. Awareness is the beginning of freedom.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing

Understanding Insecurity

/ Grand Times / 23 Comments

Insecurity is the unsettling feeling of being unsure and lacking self-confidence. It can stem from a variety of sources—difficult upbringings, traumatic experiences, mistreatment, personal fears, or even the process of aging. These feelings can be constant or come in waves, leaving a person vulnerable to doubts and uncertainties. For instance, they may cause individuals to shut others out, protecting themselves from potential rejection, or conversely, to overcompensate by working tirelessly for acceptance.

People who struggle with insecurity often find themselves in unhealthy situations due to faulty discernment. Looking back, they may realize that insecurity influenced many of their past choices, particularly in friendships or relationships. These individuals may notice a pattern of poor decisions based on an inability to accurately assess situations or a tendency to interpret circumstances through a lens of self-doubt.

Consider two different scenarios that highlight how insecurity can manifest. In the first, Sally feels threatened by a woman talking to her boyfriend. Her insecurity causes her to jump to conclusions and accuse the woman without understanding the full context. This rash action leads to damaged relationships and a sense of turmoil that she didn’t foresee.

On the other hand, in another scenario, Sally sees the same woman talking to her boyfriend but, consumed by insecurity, does not address the situation and instead internalizes the problem. She mistakenly believes she’s not good enough and works even harder to earn his affection, despite the obvious red flags. Eventually, her boyfriend leaves her for the other woman, leaving Sally to reflect on how it all went wrong. 

Both of these scenarios, though different in response, stem from the same root cause—deep insecurity.

Insecurity doesn’t just distort how a person perceives others; it can also cloud how they see themselves. Those struggling with insecurity may grapple with feelings of worth, sometimes to an extreme degree. It may show up in choices related to neglect of self-care. Or, on the flip side, insecurity may create an over-focus—a striving for perfection or success to mask the fear of inadequacy.

The path to overcoming insecurity begins by shifting our lens to a higher value system: God’s perception of us. True security comes not from external validation or fleeting accomplishments but from understanding our worth in God’s eyes. By immersing ourselves in His truth and grounding our self-worth in His love, we begin to build stronger, healthier boundaries. This process requires time, intentional effort, and a reprogramming of the thoughts that perpetuate insecurity—with God’s powerful assurance.

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred retreat for your mind—a refuge designed by God to heal from challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual renewal. Blue Skies: Above The Dark Clouds Of Broken Thinking.

Contact us to request your free copy of Blue Skies.

The following touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Bullies Play The Victim

/ Grand Times / 5 Comments
Bullying Awareness: The Tactic of Victimization
 
Navigating a relationship or environment that involves a bully can be both prolonged and complex.

One of the most challenging aspects often lies beyond the bully themselves and found within the community or circle where the bully holds influence. A group can easily adopt a bully’s narrative, genuinely believing they are championing a just cause. This frequently stems from a lesser-known but powerful tactic: the bully playing the victim.

This strategy is arguably one of the most effective tools in a bully’s arsenal. By portraying themselves as the wronged party, they ignite emotional support and sympathy, shifting focus away from their harmful behavior. This tactic allows them to reverse roles with their actual victim, often leaving outsiders confused or misled. We frequently see this in courtrooms, where defense attorneys may depict a guilty client as a misunderstood or victimized individual. As the jury deliberates, emotional manipulation can cloud reason. The issue is no longer just about the accused—it now involves a group whose emotions have been influenced. The ultimate goal? To cast doubt on the real victim and redirect empathy toward the perpetrator.

This dynamic plays out in real-world bullying as well. Many bullies—often shaped by difficult personal histories—may genuinely perceive themselves as victims. This confusion can blur their understanding of their own aggressive behavior. When others don’t validate their attempts to control or dominate, they may double down on their victim narrative. They use their target’s emotional responses as ammunition, aiming to provoke outbursts that make the true victim appear unstable or irrational. This can lead onlookers to question who is really at fault. Bullies gain both credibility and satisfaction from these emotionally charged exchanges, as exposing vulnerability in others reinforces their own sense of power.

The community aspect makes confronting bullies particularly challenging. If you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, you may be facing a bully—or a group influenced by one who is exploiting a victim persona:

  1. Do you know someone who maintains control by consistently portraying themselves as a victim?

  2. Have you noticed growing sympathy or division surrounding someone with a history of bullying behavior?

  3. Is someone in your life displaying familiar bullying traits—such as discrediting others, demanding loyalty, seeking superiority, or manipulating through a victim mentality?

When supporting someone who is being bullied, one of the most effective tools we have is logic. While a bully’s tactics can be deeply unsettling, remember: their aim is to provoke emotional reactions that bolster their false victim narrative. By recognizing this pattern, we can resist emotional manipulation and respond with clarity, reason, and discernment.

If this post resonated with you, there’s more waiting. Bully Proofing: A Guide to Bully Awareness and Prevention offers practical tools (such as a personal checklist), real insight, and the clarity you need to stand strong—whether you’re dealing with a bully now or healing from one in your past.

Bullies don’t always shout. Sometimes they smile.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

 

 

Bullies Crave Superiority

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 Bullying Awareness: “The Superiority Complex of a Bully”

Bullying has been part of human culture since the dawn of time—whether it was Napoleon, King Henry VIII, or Catherine the Great. Power-hungry leaders have always sought to place others beneath them. They crave superiority. While the classic image of a bully is someone physically intimidating, true dominance often stems not from size, but from intellect, skill, resources, or status.

A bully’s drive for superiority is usually rooted in deep-seated insecurity. To overcompensate, they construct a world in which they can appear superior—not just to others, but to themselves. Often, these individuals possess charismatic or winsome personalities, which can make their true nature difficult to detect.

One of the most destructive by-products of a bully’s need for dominance is their obsession with preserving their persona. To them, bullying is less about the target (which may be you or someone you care about) and more about managing how they’re perceived. The victim often becomes collateral damage when the bully feels their superiority is being questioned or threatened. This is why a bully may repeatedly single someone out for public humiliation—to reassert their dominance.

Victims may not realize they’ve stepped on a hornet’s nest by simply offering a suggestion, asking a question, or challenging an idea. The bully’s reaction often comes with double intensity. What seemed like a reasonable comment can provoke a disproportionate response—a verbal firehose turned on full blast. The bully’s weaponized need for superiority is always ready to fire.

You may be dealing with a bully if you’ve experienced any of the following:

  1. Have you tried to reason with someone, only to be shocked by their intense reaction?

  2. Did that response intimidate you or undermine your credibility?

  3. Does the person remain calm only when you agree or submit?

Recognizing the signs of superiority-driven bullying is essential, especially when it comes to supporting others. If you see someone reacting to another with exaggerated intensity, resist the urge to join in. Ruining someone’s reputation is a classic tactic bullies use to assert dominance. By refusing to participate—or better yet, stepping away—you give the targeted person a chance to recover their footing.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing

When Our Loved Ones Step Away From The Church

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When we see our loved ones stepping away from their faith, it can often feel like they are turning their backs on something sacred. However, what may seem like rejection could actually be a stage of deconstruction. The term “deconstruction” may feel modern—coined in the 1960s—but its roots go back much further. The process of re-examining, questioning, and reorienting one’s beliefs has been part of human experience since the beginning of time. Understanding this can help us navigate and even embrace the season of deconstruction that our friends or family might be experiencing, which feels worrisome.

While deconstruction can be unsettling, particularly for those within religious communities, there is a healthy aspect to it. For example, if a grown child comes home from college with new perspectives on faith, rather than reacting defensively, listening and explore their thoughts can offer deeper insight into both their spiritual journey and our own.

In a recent Bible study, concerns were raised about adult children straying from the faith. I explained that, rather than rejecting faith itself, many may be questioning faith “practices” and “expressions.” As they develop independent thought, they are likely discovering their own spiritual identity. A woman after class expressed how hopeful this perspective made her feel, as many parents are deeply concerned about the children they’ve raised in the church. These concerns are often rooted in the rigid, sometimes isolating Christian culture that our children may be trying to move beyond. As uncomfortable as it may seem, we can trust that true faith—alive and vibrant—is not threatened by questioning religious traditions or theologies. In fact, it’s often necessary to sift through the ideologies and politics that can surround our faith.

The truth is, within Christianity, there are many “bubbles”—divisions and denominations with unique theological systems and traditions. A study suggests that there are over 40,000 denominations, each carrying its own interpretations. 

My own deconstruction journey began when three new sons-in-law entered our family—each coming from a different denominational background. These men, highly educated with advanced theological degrees, brought with them a wealth of diverse perspectives on faith. Conversations in our home often became intense as they, along with my progressive children, questioned and explored the core of their beliefs. Through these discussions, I began to see cracks in my own understanding—cracks that only appeared because I was challenged to think beyond my own “bubble.” The result? A deeper faith, one rooted not in systems of theology but in a more intimate connection with God (centered on the gospel of Jesus Christ).

Deconstruction is an inevitable part of spiritual growth, particularly in a world that is always evolving. As culture shifts, our understanding and expression of faith must be examined and reoriented. However, in our fear and worry for those deconstructing, we sometimes forget to trust God with their process. Letting go of our need to control their journey and allowing God to work in their lives will provide a safer space for them to explore and grow.

Even the methods of communicating faith evolve. I remember speaking with one of Billy Graham’s grandsons, who explained why he didn’t hold large crusades like his grandfather did. He pointed out that, in the age of the internet, everyone has the potential to be an evangelist, and the old methods no longer hold the same influence. While the gospel remains unchanged, the ways we share and express it are always in flux.

Some parts of Christianity continue to impose rigid and legalistic ideologies that don’t allow room for questioning. These expectations, if not carefully examined, can feel suffocating. This is where deconstruction becomes essential. It’s important to recognize that those questioning or leaving may not be abandoning faith—they’re often just leaving the bubble that has boxed it in.

Romans 12:2 offers a powerful framework for this process of deconstruction: “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” We see that many of our theological systems are influenced by the patterns of the world. Celebrity pastors, mega-churches, and the business of ministry all reflect worldly values, which can easily infiltrate the church’s mission. Examining these patterns is essential, particularly when we realize that some of the issues our children are deconstructing may be rooted in these worldly patterns within Christian culture, which they find hypocritical.

Jesus’s ministry on earth was an ongoing exercise in deconstruction, particularly in His confrontation with the Pharisees and their legalism. The Apostle Paul also calls out deconstruction in Galatians 3:3, asking, “Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?” In 1 Corinthians 3:12, Paul paints a picture of faith being built on the foundation of Jesus, where everything will be examined. Only what is built with the highest quality materials—grace and mercy—will last. Anything that looks impressive but is empty inside will be burned away.

We are all part of this process, no matter where we stand on the deconstruction spectrum. The best thing we can do for those in the midst of deconstruction is to pray, listen, and offer kindness and grace. These are the materials that endure. In the end, God will perform the ultimate deconstruction, as Hebrews 12:27 tells us: “I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens… so that what cannot be shaken may remain.” And, as 1 Corinthians 13:13 affirms, “Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” God’s love is the foundation on which everything else stands. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us—this is the love that will never fail. 

***If you or someone you know is struggling with doubt or deconstruction, I highly recommend the book- “After Doubt: How to Question Your Faith Without Losing It” by A.J. Swoboda***

The following brief descriptions touch on emotions common to our humanity. Insecurity, Discouragement, Loneliness, Anxiety, Inadequacy, Inferiority, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Approval Seeking, Obsession, Neediness, Identity Confusion, Feeling Second Best, and other areas of emotional struggle.

Bullies Demand Loyalty

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Bullying Awareness: “Misuse of Loyalty”

Bullies often enlist loyalty not as a virtue, but as a weapon. You might frequently hear the word loyalty in their vocabulary, though rarely in its true spirit. It’s often disguised in seemingly harmless questions like, “Are you with me?”, “Can I count on you?”, or “Do I have your support?”—phrases designed to foster a sense of camaraderie. But with a bully, there’s usually a hidden agenda: loyalty becomes a tool to divide, to pit people against someone or something.

The dictionary defines loyalty as faithful adherence. With its positive connotation, we tend to view loyalty as inherently good. But for a bully, loyalty is transactional—it’s not about mutual respect or trust, but control. Any deviation from this “faithfulness” is seen as betrayal.

Bullies use various manipulative tactics to secure loyalty. One of the most common is offering favor or acceptance. It feels good to be in a bully’s good graces—and there are often tangible perks. In the school lunchroom, it might be an invitation to sit at the popular table. In the workplace, it could be the promise of advancement. In social settings, the reward might be recognition or status. At home, it might be the temporary calm of avoiding conflict. The risk of being labeled “disloyal” becomes too great for many, making loyalty a powerful lever in the bully’s hands. With this single tactic, bullies can create a surprisingly compliant following.

Another method is subtle blackmail—not in the form of dramatic threats, but through veiled references to personal missteps or past mistakes. Bullies are adept at uncovering vulnerabilities and using them to maintain control.

They also inflate their image of loyalty. Like their own publicist, a bully often brags about exaggerated support from others—some of whom may privately disagree with them. This can create a false sense of consensus, leading to a “go along to get along” mentality. Few people want to be the lone voice of dissent within what appears to be a unified front.

In summary, recognizing the manipulation of loyalty is key to understanding how bullying takes root in a community. Start by asking yourself these questions:

  • Have you been flattered or overly favored to gain your loyalty?

  • Have you felt pressured to adopt a group mentality against someone or something?

  • Have you feared consequences for not supporting someone’s agenda?

Combatting bullying begins with awareness. Refuse to be swept into manipulative loyalties. Choosing not to follow the crowd in these situations helps disrupt the momentum that keeps a bully in power.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing

Bullies Discredit

/ Grand Times / 2 Comments

Bullying Awareness Series: Part 1 – “The Subtle Power of Discrediting” 

A skillful way we can take a stand against bullying is by shining a light on the subtle behaviors that often go unnoticed—traits that reveal the true nature of a bully. 

We begin with one of the most damaging tactics: discrediting.

Discrediting is a key method bullies use to gain control and influence. According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, to discredit means “to harm the reputation of someone or something, making it seem false or unreliable.” In essence, it’s a deliberate attempt to weaken someone’s credibility in order to elevate one’s own.

This tactic is disturbingly effective. By discrediting others, bullies often attract supporters who are either afraid of becoming the next target or who are deceived into believing the false narrative. Over time, this manipulation can lead to significant social power. We see it happen across all areas of life—schools, families, workplaces, churches. Bullies come in all ages, roles, and genders.

To help identify this trait in action, ask yourself:

  1. Is there a repeated pattern of discrediting others?

  2. Are people hesitant or afraid to speak positively about the targeted individual?

  3. Does the discrediting seem to enhance the bully’s status or influence?

Recognizing these signs is one of the most powerful steps we can take to confront bullying. When we notice someone repeatedly tearing others down, it should raise an immediate red flag. Our willingness to question and resist these discrediting narratives can be life-changing—not just for ourselves, but for the person being targeted.

There is strength in simply refusing to believe every negative story we hear. Even if the claims sound convincing, pause. Consider the source. Ask the questions. If the answers point to a pattern of discrediting, you may be witnessing bullying in action.

By withholding validation from the bully, we offer dignity and support to the one being bullied. And sometimes, that quiet act of resistance can make all the difference.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Grab your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing