I remember my mother talking about a group gaining popularity in her time called the Red Hat Society. She described how these older women would gather wearing red hats and purple dresses. The tacky choice of fashion colors had a purpose and that was to proclaim freedom from cultural confinements and expectations of their youth. I vividly recall myself as a young woman coming upon a restaurant table filled with just such ladies. They were, of course, all in red hats—and the stark contrast of their purple dresses only magnified their fearless pursuit of independence. I couldn’t help but notice how they bubbled-over with laughter and delight. Although their happiness struck me, I simultaneously cringed at how silly they looked and couldn’t imagine ever doing such a thing. Now, I can’t help but admire the sense of freedom they openly expressed and the idea of what it stood for.

Life-long pursuit of approval
Seeking approval is the natural default of being human — we are born this way. Depending on the circumstances, a child can feel compelled to please or seek approval to varying degrees. People struggling with the need for approval often remember the conditions that triggered them to perform to meet perceived expectations. Perhaps it was an uninterested parent or a sibling who excelled and found favor. Multiple influences, including outside the family unit, sometimes cultivate the compulsion to please people. Whatever the reason, one common theme that connects them all is—fear of disapproval.

As we venture from adolescence to the grown-up world, we feel the pressure to perform ramped up to an even higher degree. We enter a new era of disapproving eyes, people from dysfunctional backgrounds of approval-seeking. It becomes hard work to avoid negative opinions; the more we try, the more anxious and unsettled we feel. A.W. Tozer said: “The heart’s fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let it rest.”

Jesus on approval seeking
Jesus describes the propensity of human disapproval in Matthew 11:18: “For John didn’t spend his time eating and drinking, and you say, ‘He’s possessed by a demon.’ The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, ‘He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners.”

His words give us great insight into people’s general tendency to see things negatively, if not entirely erroneously. As Christians, we are free from all the errors in man’s judgments. Jesus gave His life in exchange for our sins so that we may be justified, but it’s up to us to the extent that we embrace the fullness of this freedom while on earth. You may be sensing the inclination to do so to a greater degree. 

Does that mean we will finally earn people’s approval by this divine substitution? On the contrary, we will still let people down. In addition, those who are disappointed in Jesus will be disappointed in us. If they hate Jesus, they will hate us. Jesus confirms the unreasonable nature of humanity in John 15:25: “They hated me without cause.”

There is no end except in Christ
The good news is that as we mature in age, many of us become aware that the fickleness of human approval never ends. As a result, we find our people-pleasing tendencies begin to decrease. The golden carrot of validation we’ve been chasing all these years loses appeal. With the help of the Lord, we begin to cultivate a healthy disregard for the criticisms that once kept our bellies tied in knots. Could it possibly be time to buy a red hat?

But we must be cautious of another slippery slope for those who have always sought approval. If pleasing others has been our struggle, then a subtle projection of this endeavor onto God Himself is often the natural progression. We may slip automatically into the mindset of seeking the approval of God, and always doubting that we are good enough for Him, always working and trying harder to please Him. But God never intended this kind of bondage for us, either.

Our minds may need to understand in a greater way that God has provided not only rescue for our people-pleasing dilemma but also for our God-pleasing, performance-based patterns. Grasping the latter is what brings ultimate rescue to both. Do we fully realize that God’s love is not contingent on our efforts and deeds? He does not regard the disapproval of others or our own failed expectations. When God looks at us, He sees us wrapped in Christ’s perfect robe of righteousness. We are approved based on what He has done on our behalf—each clothed in a garment of His royal reputation. People pleasing, approval seeking, and earning favor with God have no merit or influence in the spiritual realm. We are, in a truer sense, partakers of a heavenly group that celebrates freedom from performance-based expectations—not a red hat society, but a purple-robed society—“a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people” (1 Peter 2:9). We can confidently bubble-over with God’s approval, acceptance and immeasurable grace. Oh, what rest for the wearied, approval-seeking soul!

Are your thoughts and emotions weighing you down? Imagine a sacred retreat for your mind—a healing refuge designed by God for your most challenging emotions. Blue Skies invites you to explore the solace of Philippians 4:8, the ultimate destination for spiritual peace.  Blue Skies Above the Dark Clouds of Broken Thinking 

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