“The Phantom Influence of Bullies”

by Paula Masters

Lingering allegiance to a bully is more common than we realize, even after their primary role in our lives has diminished. Much like phantom pain felt from a missing limb, the trauma caused by a bully can echo into our future, long after the bully has gone.

Bullying creates deep, lasting impressions on the brain, and this phantom loyalty can persist far beyond its expiration date. We may still feel bound by unspoken or spoken pledges of loyalty. Our reflexive tendency to fall in line—either to avoid retaliation or to seek approval—often goes unnoticed. In doing so, we unknowingly carry a bully’s disrespect, whether toward ourselves or others, and we continue to be swept along by old loyalties.

This dynamic is especially evident in adult children who feel an intense sense of loyalty to a domineering parent. Even after that parent is no longer present, the adult child may feel obligated to adhere to their parent’s values or expectations. Pursuing an independent path can stir guilt and internal conflict, creating resistance to change.

On the flip side, this same dynamic can happen in reverse, where an adult child may bully their parent, using manipulation, guilt, or emotional pressure to control them. In these cases, the parent may feel bound by a sense of duty or misplaced loyalty, even when the adult child’s behavior is harmful. The parent can become stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and guilt, unsure of how to assert their own needs or boundaries.

Naturally, this leaves us confused and unsure of how to move forward. To free ourselves, we must recognize that it’s perfectly okay to think and act differently.

Here are some steps to help break free from the phantom influence:

1. Identify how you want to behave differently than the person who has had a controlling influence in your life.
2. Own the mistakes that were inspired by the bully’s behavior.
3. Give yourself permission to say “no”—if you once complied under pressure, it’s okay to change your mind.
4. Find a trustworthy accountability partner who supports your growth.
5. Accept that guilt is a natural part of breaking free. Misplaced loyalty is often driven by guilt, which is why it can hold such a powerful grip on us.

Bullies rely on subtle, manipulative tactics.
Recognizing the game is the first step to ending it.
➡️ [Get your Bully Proofing guide today.]
#ArmedWithInformation

Bully Proofing