This month’s segment is “Misuse of Loyalty.”

A bully enlists and utilizes loyalty for their own benefit. In fact, you may hear the word loyalty quite often in a bully’s vocabulary. It may be concealed in phrases or questions designed to establish a sense of camaraderie: “Are you with me?”, “Can I count on you?”, “Do I have your support”? But with a bully, there is always an ulterior agenda—a binding of loyalty against something or someone.

The dictionary describes loyalty as faithful adherence. Because of its favorable connotation, we naturally think of loyalty in a positive light. But for the bully, it’s far from altruistic. Loyalty to them is simply a means to an end. Any deviation from faithful adherence is perceived as an affront.

A bully uses several methods of manipulation to gain loyalty. A common one is the offering of favor or acceptance. Not only does it feels good “not” to be on the bad side of a bully, but there are tempting benefits too. If it’s in the school lunchroom, it might be an invitation to sit at the cool table. If it’s in the workplace, it might be the carrot of advancement. If it’s in a social setting, it might be the allure of recognition. If it’s the home, it might be the peace and calm that comes from non-confrontation. The thought of being considered “disloyal” is too risky of a challenge for many, which makes loyalty a powerful tool in the hands of a bully. Bullies can build quite a submissive following with this one maneuver.

Another way bullies gain loyalty is blackmail. Not the obvious kind with threats scrawled on mysterious notes, but in small ways like hints of exposure to shame. The bully is skilled at finding and holding misgivings over the people they influence.

Additionally, bullies promote an exaggerated sense of loyalty (by others) for themselves. They act as their own publicist, touting inflated stories of support by people who may privately not support them at all. This, in turn, influences a going along with the crowd mentality. No one wants to be the naysayer or noticeable cog in the wheel of a seemingly united front.

In summary, exposing loyalty manipulation may help shed light on how bullying takes shape in a community. Identifying the misuse of loyalty is a good place to start. If you can answer yes to any of the following questions, there may be an environment of bullying.

1. Have you felt an onslaught of favor or buttering-up to win your loyalties?
2. Have you felt pressured into a group’s mentality against someone or something or someone?
3.  Have you feared retribution for not being loyal to someone’s agenda?

Combating bullying happens by becoming familiar with these and other signs. You can help by refusing to be swept into a bully’s manipulations. By not going along with the crowd when you see these signs happening—you will be slowing down the momentum of loyalty that keeps a bully in power. (Paula Masters)

Bully Proofing